


Said and Done

by beckalina



Category: Damon/Affleck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-02-02
Updated: 2010-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-06 23:08:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/58743
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/beckalina/pseuds/beckalina
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When all is said and done--that's when you begin to doubt yourself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Said and Done

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written 1/26/2002

When all is said and done--that's when you begin to doubt yourself. A human being's mind is never really at rest. You make your decision, you tell yourself that it was the right one--and then your mind starts twisting and hypothesizing a trillion different outcomes of your situation.

That's what happened when Matt confessed to you, when he told you that his feelings ran deeper than you ever could've imagined. You'd been friends for most of your life--couldn't remember a time when he wasn't there. You knew that one downside to the fame you'd both achieved was the fact that you were often on opposite sides of the country--even the world.

You were shocked--understandably so. Despite the constant joking about your respective sexualities, you'd always believed that Matt was as straight as they came--much like yourself. It took every ounce of yourself not to run as soon as the words left his mouth. As shocked as you were at that second, you could never do that to your best friend.

You stared at him for a moment that spanned a lifetime, your mind spinning so fast you were certain that it was going to explode. And then you kissed him. Hard and fast--as if you would die that very second if you didn't know the taste of his lips. It was short, as kisses go--but in the minuscule amount of time, your body nearly exploded into flames. Never in your life, not even with Gwyneth--the woman you'd been so sure you would marry--had you ever experienced such intense passion.

It terrified you, and that's when you ran, right back to your loft on the other side of the city. You lived like a hermit for the next week, sleeping and eating and smoking. You screened every call, left your cellular phone off. You listened to the calls as the came in - at least ten a day were from Matt. The desperation, anger, and finally resignation in his voice made you want to cry--but you were a man and you refused to.

Eventually, you left the apartment. You had a film to shoot, and you weren't going to let your own stupidity and fear keep you from doing your job. You didn't talk to Matt for another two weeks after your week of solitude. Before that, you hadn't even gone four days without talking to him at least once. When you finally did speak to him, there was no discussion of feelings, and it was as if the kiss had never happened.

You told yourself that it was better this way, that it wouldn't change your friendship the way a mutual admittance would. If you didn't talk about it, then it would be like it never happened. More than anything, you wanted that to be true. You'd never doubted yourself before. You were straight. One hundred percent, completely and totally in love with women and only women. You weren't gay, you weren't even bisexual. There was no debating that.

Only--you did debate it. You went over it constantly in your mind, trying to view it from every possible angle. You even made lists of the pros and cons, weighing it differently with every new list you made. It brought you some satisfaction, though, to watch the licks of orange flame and the wisps of gray smoke rise from the pile of torn papers in your ashtray.

Your friendship with Matt remained on a slightly shaky and fragile ground. On the surface, you still had the perfect friendship--you even fooled yourselves. Deep inside, you wondered when and if his feelings had changed--yours hadn't. You could never bring it up, you knew. Neither of you would ever be completely willing to admit that anything had ever happened.

Matt's moved on in the two years since your world was turned upside down. He's been dating one of his female co-stars for nearly a year, and you haven't seen him this happy in years. You tell yourself--and him--that you're happy he could find somebody to love him. Deep down, in a part of yourself that you would never share with anyone, you know that this isn't true. There's a small bit of you that will always wonder about what could've been.

You don't think that part will ever go away.


End file.
